Deep Breaths. This is my first post for 2015, and I wish it was a little more up beat. I’ve been wanting to write a post for a couple of weeks, but simply haven’t had the time. This post is one of those that, in years to come, I’m sure I will look back and know that the way I feel right now won’t last for long. This is one of those posts that I’m sure every Mum can relate to. I’m writing this first and foremost as a positive way to get my feelings out, and to debrief with others who have gone through the same thing.
Right now, our son Hudson is eight months old, and we feel as though we are smack back in the middle of those early weeks with a newborn. We have no idea what has happened, but those weeks of progress have gone out the window. We are on no sleep. We are frustrated. We are simply out of ideas. Hudson is unsettled, and often in a complete rage during the night, and sometimes during the day. We have tried everything….reflux meds, varying formulas, other medications, osteo, settling techniques, xrays, doctors, paediatricians. It just seems as though are little man, who arrived a month early just wants to keep us guessing.
I’m not ashamed to admit that in the last few weeks, I’ve been really struggling. As a Mum with a toddler and a baby who just does not sleep and feed well, it has stretched me to my limits. My feelings of happiness and accomplishment after finally toilet training Ella have given way to anger as we simply cannot work out what is wrong with our baby. We’ve decided to try and get into a Mother and Baby Hospital Clinic to get some professional help from Doctors, Nurses and Sleep Experts to see if we can work things out. People ask me…is it sleep problems or is it gut problems? My feeling is that his gut problems have adversely impacted on his sleep patterns and this has become a vicious cycle.
It’s so hard also, knowing that as a second time Mum, I simply can’t help my son. I thought I had all of the tricks, and tools of the trade after helping Ella through a really difficult sleep period when she was one year old. However this has trumped me. I’m out. All out of ideas, and all out of energy. We are trying to stay positive, and know that we are truly lucky to have tremendous support from family and friends. This week I stayed at my Mums for a day and night to get some rest. I knew that things were bad when I couldn’t sleep at all, even after taking some medication to help me sleep. Sleep deprivation is a really dangerous thing. It plays with your mind in so many ways, and it really makes being a happy Mum, hard.
I just wish things were a little easier right now. Don’t get me wrong, I know that we are lucky. We are healthy and have so many things to be grateful for, and I know that there are so many things that could be worse. But right now, we just want our son to be a bit happier. Just even a little. And some sleep would be good too.
They say that girls mess with your head, and boys mess with your house. I beg to differ right now. This week I’ve tried to take some positive steps to deal with our current situation. I am meant to be going back to work in two weeks…something that I was greatly looking forward to. I knew however, that I cannot possibly give myself to other people if I cannot even give myself to my kids right now. So I’ve postponed returning to work for a term, in order to focus my entire attention on helping Hudson, and being there for Ella. Family first. It has to be. I’m just lucky to have an amazing boss who completely understands and supports me 100%. I only wish that everyone could be so lucky.
They say that times like this can put an incredible strain on your marriage. Whilst Dan and I are being tested to our limits, I cannot thank the world enough for bringing such a strong, kind and caring partner into my life. What I would do without him right now, I have no idea.
So with that, I’ve dropped off the forms to the hospital and simply hope that we can jump a few places in the waiting list. I’m praying to the sleep Gods to be kind and to just bring some slumber into our lives, and into my little man’s night routine.
Deep Breaths….it will get better. I know it will.