I don’t normally write posts about other articles I read, but today I came across a story that really made me think. Today Mamamia posted a story called: ‘If you meet my daughter, please don’t tell her she is ‘beautiful'”. Written by Mum Ally Grace, this story was indeed written from the heart, and it was a brave message of challenging the world and the way she has chosen to raise her daughter and tackle an issue that is close to many.
If you have not read the article, you really need to. You see Ally has a daughter who is now five years old. From the moment she was a baby, she was challenged by the idea of calling her ‘beautiful’. She felt a real uneasiness by the connotations that this word brings, and the pressure that society puts on girls to indeed ‘be beautiful’. The pink, the princess, the perfect looks. She simply did not want her daughter growing up thinking that in order to be ‘beautiful’, she had to conform to the expectations of modern society. So she decided to challenge this notion and erase the word from their household. She does not want people calling her daughter beautiful. She wants her daughter to flourish, to be who she wants to be, to create a self perception and character that is based on her own understanding of the world. She says:
“If you happen to meet my daughter, feel free to speak to her, be kind to her, converse with her and spark her interest.But please refrain from telling her that she is “beautiful”. We don’t want your judgement.”
After reading it myself, I felt two things: 1. Admiration and 2. Sadness. Firstly, I truly admire her persistence and determination to challenge society and the negative ways in which we mould our girls towards achieving ‘perfection’ based on looks and stereotypes. I hope that I too can help Ella, and my next child (girl or boy), to be who they want to be without the feeling that they need to ‘be’ what others ‘want’ them to be. I hope she follows her interests, dreams and passions no matter what they are. I hope that she dreams big and does not see the world as a barrier towards achieving her dreams. I hope that we can support her through the tough times. Through peer pressure, through teenage hood and through all of the ups and downs that life will bring. I just want her to be happy, and I truly admire Ally for wanting the same for her child, and making a stand agains what society believes girls ‘should’ be in life.
However I also felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. I felt as though somehow she made the word ‘beautiful’ an ugly word. A swear word. A word that should not be used. I completely understand her point of view and the sentiments behind it. However I am sad that she is not tackling the hard task of redefining ‘beautiful’ to ensure that her daughter understands the true meaning of the word.
I want my children to feel beautiful inside and out. I want them to understand that there is so much beauty in the world. In the way we feel, in the way we treat others, in the way we appreciate life. I want them to love beauty in all of its forms. I don’t want them to think that in order to be beautiful, they has to be a princess with perfect hair, skin, makeup and a skinny body. I want them to develop a positive self perception and self confidence. I want them to be persistent and to treat others with empathy and compassion. However I do want them to see beauty in their life, and feel as though they are beautiful. I don’t want it to be a negative, but rather a chance to explore what beauty really means, and how they can develop a beautiful character.
I guess I’m just sad that the word ‘beautiful’ has become an ugly word. There is so much to be thankful for in life, and as a parent I want to help my children understand it’s true definition. I want it to be a positive word in our house and in our lives for many years to come.
*image linked to it’s original source.
8 comments
Thanks for the article Kate! In our house the happiest & kindest person has the most beauty of all, it’s a nice place to start.
Thanks Esther. No that really IS a beautiful sentiment. xx
I had a great big reply here but chickened out…. So I’ll try and be straight. When you talk about Ally ‘tackling the hard task’ of beauty’s definition, I must disagree. I think that’s exactly what she’s doing.
I really envy her daughter. I would never have dared to ask to have my head shaved, let alone be brave enough do it. I had a bowl cut in Yr7, which was daring enough. And socially costly. I suspect even the ‘prettiest’ girls aren’t confident they’re beautiful because they’re hanging their worth on external praise. Which is ridiculous and tragic, not because ‘oh my goodness, can’t they see how pretty they are?’, but because of course they’re beautiful at heart, and how are they not sure of this? Is it because they’ve always gotten ‘beautiful’ but not also ‘smart’, ‘dedicated’, ‘creative’ or ‘innovative’ for example. Do they not know *why* they’re beautiful through and through?
I don’t think Ally has actually banned the word from her household. I imagine she’d be fine with someone saying a piece of art, or a fern frond, or generosity, is beautiful.
For me, she has not made beautiful an ugly word. I think she’s made it a much more valuable word in her home, one used without flippancy.
Yeah, that’s me being succinct! Imagine how long my original response was! :S Anyway, I don’t mean to criticise how you feel about the article – it’s clearly struck a particular chord with you and a slightly different note with me. I suppose they’re all raw nerves when it comes to your children too. 🙂
Hi A. Thanks for your reply. I think that for the most, we completely agree on her sentiments and wonderful intentions on trying to challenge society in the ways that Ally has. As I said in my article, I completely admire her for what she is trying to do. I guess that after reading her article, a few things stood out that struck a chord. Either way, I respect what she is trying to do, and think that her daughter is so lucky to have such a passionate Mum. I just want to ensure that the word beautiful is a positive one in my house!
Hi Kate, thanks for your reply. Coincidentally, I came across this today, thought of this discussion, and thought you might like it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPCkfARH2eE
Wishing you a home full of positive beauty, which I’ve no doubt you’ll achieve. 🙂 A
Hi Alison. Thanks again. I saw this a couple of days ago and think it is something that all parents of children, girls and boys should watch. What an amazing woman.
I just think that we walk a very fine line when we try to dictate to others how they should react, what they should say and how they should be in the world. x
Couldn’t agree more. Parenting is hard enough as it is! We are all so passionate about so many things, and as long as we are trying our best for our kids then that is all that matters.